First Loves Memory

Ode to Tracy

In high school I had the sweetest lil redneck boyfriend. His name was Tracy, boy he was just over the moon for me. And I was….well I was a 16 year old spitfire. I did love him. I just didn’t have any clue what love was supposed to mean. All I knew was he protected me, was sweet as the year is long and he looked at me like I was the prettiest thing on Earth. 

As teenage love goes things just didn’t work out. We went our separate ways and my mom and I moved away. Just a few towns away.

In the Summer of 96 I learned that he had died.

It took me by surprise because I just hoped he’d be the one I’d run into years later and we’d catch up on our lives. But that was never going to happen.  I have a journal entry that I wrote shortly after finding out that he was gone. It said that one day I’d visit Tracy, MO. Just because it was named Tracy…

Fast forward to 2012…My marriage is ending. I’m on the road to a new life and a new me. I’ve just went through gorgeous St.Louis and breathtaking Kansas City… Approaching the MO and IA state lines. I see a sign.

I hadn’t thought of this in at least a decade and there it was right in front of me. I never had gotten closure regarding Tracys death. I heard about his passing months after it happened. I didn’t get the funeral. Or the time with old friends… I just got memories. Which of course is enough.

But enough…still isn’t closure.

So I took a little detour. Spent a little while remembering … thinking … and missing loves first  kiss.

Here’s to Tracy Lynn Herring. It’s been almost 20 years…But love still lingers.

When I hear songs like, John Deere Green and Indian Outlaw it always takes me back. Here’s to closure…and to one last memory on the road….

The tale of two knights

Lets start at the beginning...


The beginning of something new. My life and renewal  of what was lost. In 2006 I lost such a vital piece of myself. My ability to BE myself. I sacrificed everything. Family, friends, etc. Just to be with someone that at the time disguised obessiveness in a nice pretty package of what I thought was true love..... Thats what I get for thinking.


Having recovered from a relationship with a man that was in the military. And also someone I had faced some of the hardest moments of wondering...waiting... and more waiting. During my 3 year relationship with this man we had fought time, distance and catastophe (Hurricane Katrina). Ultimately those three things were our demise. Not mistrust, infidelity and lies. Life just happened. Our paths seperated and we moved on. Kind of.


So imagine my thinking when I met my biggest mistake (oops I meant my soon to be ex-husband) enters my life. Here's a man that is right in front of me. He's with me everyday. We have dates and moments. We have time together. This must be right. Right?


Wrong.


When I married ^&E#&$%^ in 2010, I really should have paid attention to what was really happening. He wasn't protecting me from anything. It was all for him... everything that I had sacrificed and given up was for HIM. The wedding, the dress, the location, the flowers right down to the ring itself. Was because he was falling short of what he was supposed to be. What OUR marriage was supposed to be. And I just let it happen. Because I didn't want to believe I was making any mistakes.


I've always been very truthful in my blogs. So I'm not going to change that now. Please understand this is just an explanation of my journey to where I am now. Which is happy ... Trully HAPPEEEEEE


So lets not give that rat bastard more than he deserves. He cheated on me not once but twice. Gave me a fake ring....no wedding... Any questions as to why I left??? Didn't think so. I gave him everything I had, and what I didnt have he took. He took my shine, my sparkle my love and turned me into a pissed off, insecure crybaby. What the hell??? Thats not me. Never has been. So Why??? WHY STAY? I couldn't. If I was to ever be myself I had to go. I miss Christian so much poor lil guy. But, you can only be told so many times you aren't his mother. Your input doesn't matter. Well then you lower than whale shit son of a bitch, you tell him thats why you cheated and lied. You tell him thats why his Brandie is gone. Fucking fuck. Grrrr.


Anyway.


Throughout my 6 year hiatus from my real self. I kept in touch with my extended family out in South Dakota. Loved them. Missed them. Wished things had turned out differently. But I was married now and that life was just a distant dream.  But we remained friends.  Nick remained the person I could turn to when I needed absolute support. A shoulder. A rock. Wait a second.....shouldn't my husband have done that??? Oh yeah he was too busy smoking pot or fucking around with an 18 year old. Fast forward to January 2012 I get the most horrific call ever. My extended Dad  has passed away. :'( Huh? I dont get to say goodbye. I dont even find out until 2 days later because dumbfuck is to insecure for me to take a call. I cried and cried. Alone. Wishing for arms that were 1700 miles away.  I talked to Nick while he worked through his grief. I talked to his mother and sent her notes. Sent her flowers. I sent them love as very best as I could from so far away. So very far.


Low and behold dumbfuck starts acting wierd again. Hmmmm...tell tell signs of infidelity. That damn cell phone never left his pocket. He'd sleep with it in his pocket!!!! Do you really think I'm that naive? So I just waited....knowing he'd slip. And he did. Only this time he laid it all out. So I did too.


Actually I just let God lead me. I have never been so lost. Had no idea what to do witht the mess I called life. So I just threw up my hands and said OK!!!!! I'm obviously not doing what I'm supposed to be. You drive. You show me. God did...


It was so hard to take that first step. To say I AM LEAVING. But once I did. The physical part was easy. It was complete and true mental breakdown emotionally. I cried and questioned myself was I trully doing the right thing. I mean the plan was so off the chart. I am virtually leaving my entire life behind. My job. Oh man. Each time I asked Chris are we doing the right thing. He'd just sqy. "Go be happy, you deserve more than me." True dat Mofo... But it still killed me that someone that completely destroyed me. Would even have the heart to say that.

In the mean time, Nick and his Mom are preparing my new life for me. We've got you a home, a phone and you can start school in September. Huh? I just get to leave my sad horrible marriage. And walk back into my old beautiful life ??? It's just that easy???? Ok then, thank you Lord for leading me. Amen.

Wow.

There is so much more to be told. More side stories of my journey to SoDak. Yes I drove here from NC. Wha????? Yes best time I've ever spent alone! Sadly there trully is  not a lot of juice where my ex-husband is concerned. He simply let me walk out of his life. But thankfully, I walked out of his....and into MINE.